Brattinella Exposed

The Pain of Moving On

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 14:58:59 +0800

I came across this poem - or probably just a simple message - while I was browsing the net. And the message caught my attention. It describes my exact emotions at that time... an emotion I didn't want to entertain. Anyways, lemme share it with you..

For a heart that 's been torn,
There's not much you can do but to understand.
Remember these words?
"Don't worry I will free you, when it's finally time for you to go..."
There's no easy way to let go of something that I know will never happen again
But I will face the world around me knowing that I am strong enough to let you go.
I'm aware that you only came into my life for a while,
And that time will come I have to give you up;
Then that's the end of it;
There goes my life.

You left me at the very moment that I can't give you up...
I cry for the memories, I cry for the pain;
I cry for the times I thought I had you...

Wish you see the tears run from my eyes
Coz it spells the truth about how I really feel inside...
Don't worry, my tears won't blame you...
Those are just the words my heart uses to explain,
When even my smiles can't cover up my pain...

It's been a while, still I can't get out from your shadow;
Til this very moment I'm still trying ti pick up those pieces...
Thank you for the love and the pain,
The pain that I'll always remember...

Even now, my heart still aches in sadness
And secret tears still flow.
One day I can say...
Finally I'M OVER YOU...

You are still with me ,
Even though you're not on my side.
One day, I will be able to stand next to you
Without wanting to hold your hand....

Somewhere down my journey,
I will fall in love again,
I know... I can...

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Here I Go Again...

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:08:49 +0800

It's been a while since I posted a blog... But why is it this time, I feel uncomfortable writing about my feelings? Coz no matter how hard I try to deny it, it's coz of my pride... I know, you've been reading my blogs... and this time, I don't want you to know about my feelings... that I'm back at it again... even just for a day... Here I go again...

Maybe it's because I've been watching the raindrops on my windowpane, or maybe it's how gloomy the sky looked when I went out earlier... whatever it is, I'm back at it again... so here I go again...

Here I go again... wondering about you for the first time in weeks... missing you, reminiscing the days I still had your heart... and I look back still with a smile... what we had was indeed uniquely special... and now, with tears in my eyes, I still can't see what went wrong... why you're no longer here in my arms...

I dunno if this feeling was brought about by a sad experience I recently had about letting go of someone who was never mine... It somehow made me wonder if I really fell for that person because of who he is, or did I fall for the idea that finally I found someone I could possibly have a relationship with? But I knew from the start that he could never be mine...

So here I go again... trying to fight the feeling of being hurt, of being wretched. Afflicted by unfortunate circumstances.

I never thought I'd be feeling this way so soon.... but heck, I just wish that it would soon be gone; as sudden as it came.

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Look at Me Now...

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:15:20 +0800

Hello VOX!

It's been a while since my last post, eh?

I've been with busy with work, events, and of course partying!!!

I've been exploring the single life and definitely enjoying it. I'm a lot better now... never thought I'm gonna be this happy. Never thought I could get him out of my system. I guess all I needed was that "closure"...

Anyways, here are a few pictures of the "Jagermeister Party"... it's really a very good drink... a real "wild" party drink! LOLZ..

vince...my "jagermaster"

Sexy,sexy.sexy

Pretty me

This is me now... I lost a lot of weight... I guess being single gave me a lot of "me" time; I now go to the gym regularly, and I have Vince as my "personal trainer" aside from being my "jagermaster"; I've also gotten back to target shooting; and a lot of other extra curricular activities.. after work and on weekends as well!

Cheers to the new and good life!

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The Morning After

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:29:27 +0800

Last night was one of the "fun nights" of my life. It started out as a dinner with friends. They wanted to hear the story of how my ex finally ended things and said "GOODBYE". At first, the atmosphere was kind of emotional. But eventually, they were happy when I told them that I was more relieved than hurt. Because finally I can completely move on with my life. I'm free to do anything I want.

Now, it's the morning after... How am I? Honestly? Though I still have to catch up on my sleep, the most important thing that I now have is PEACE OF MIND. No more hoping, worrying, wondering... no more what ifs and what might have beens with my ex.

Also, I think having enough time to slowly recover and move on had one good benefit: I don't have any bitterness towards him; towards what he did. At least now I got the "final detail" to complete my moving on. And last night, that's what we celebrated! LOL. Thanks to Vince from jagermeister for the free booze =)

Well, I just hope one day we can be friends again. That's how we started, I hope that's also how we'll end it. Maybe not for now, because I know we both need time to heal; or at least I need to be completely healed.

Oh well, I'm very much looking forward to new challenges (and guys!) that will come my way. I know I'm smarter now and more equipped with experiences and lessons that I learned from them.

AJA!

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Finally... Goodbye.

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 12:01:06 +0800

Last night was a long night for me. With the confusion of whether or not to accept my ex's proposal to go back or not.

But guess what? My ex, "toffee" finally gave me the closure that I was waiting for... finally he said goodbye.

I never thought it could hurt this much, but it did. I cried the whole night.... hoping that with each teardrop, the pain would lessen and eventually fade...

I knew this was bound to happen. I was already expecting it. But even though I was prepared, it still hurt me so much. But I'm better and stronger this time. Somehow I have already picked up the pieces and soon I know I'll be ready to face the new challenges in my life.

So, I guess, this is my time to finally say GOODBYE. Thank you for the memories, for the love, for the experience. I just hope one day, we could be friends again. That's how we started, I hope that's also how we'll end it. What we had was something uniquely special and I hope someday, we'll both look back to those days and smile at the memories. Sorry for the cliche, but, you'll always have a special place in my heart, in my life.

I know I'll be ok. At least now, making a decision for me of whether to accept my ex or not is easier. Maybe soon, but not now. I want to take my time to completely heal and forget. Before I enter into another relationship.

GOODBYE TJ...

goodbye...

thank you for the memories

i'll always treasure the love.

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What if He's back...part 2

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:54:48 +0800

together again?

I know I should be in bed by now... have to start early tomorrow morning. A lot of work waiting for me. But this thought is leaving me restless... much more, being hundreds of miles away from him makes things more difficult.

Is he really back for real? Or was it just the effect of alcohol? LOL.

Seriously, I know we should sit down and talk to settle things... are we back for real? But I know I'm scared to ask for us to have this conversation because I'm not ready to answer him if he asks me to make this thing exclusive for us...

I had this conversation with a friend earlier... a friend a lot older than me (I need the wisdom of older people). I told her my dilemma and she asked me how I felt for both guys. I couldn't accept her theory that it's just me who doesn't want to let go of my ex, "toffee". It could be my pride, she doesn't know. As for "star", she has witnessed our story. And she knows his situation. And she told me that she couldn't see anything wrong if I decide to go back to him. Maybe that's where I was headed all along... It was him whom I had to recover from when I started dating "toffee". And probably, now, he (star), has finally made up his mind... he chose to be with me. Now everything's up to me. But I'm leaving things up to "toffee".

Should I start making efforts to make him (toffee) talk to me if only to have things settled? Is asking for a "time out" his way of saying goodbye? I don't want to make any decisions / moves unless I'm sure that whatever I had with him is settled and given closure.

He asked me for time to "heal" and I promised to wait for him... if I decide to go back to my ex, it would be like breaking my promise... even though everybody's telling me that there's nothing to wait for anymore. He hasn't replied to my emails nor my text messages... that his silence is his way of confirming that we're through.

I guess I'll just leave it all up to destiny. Whoever is destined for me, so be it. Don't want to rush nor force things right now. I cannot say that I'm happy being single, but I learned to be contented.

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What if he's back....?

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:20:47 +0800

Last weekend I had to go back here in the city for the long weekend and to attend to some stuff. While at it, I took the chance to see my friends and party the night away!

Little did I know that there was a surprise in store for me... my ex let's name him "star", the guy who started it all (the crazy events in my life, leading to a painful relationship after him), once and for all popped the big question; no more what ifs... this time, it's for real. HE WANTS ME BACK.

With this guy, it's different. I know I'm not ready to commit and I'm not over my last ex, let's name him "toffee", with whom I had my last painful relationship with... but, he made me think... what I had with star was also something, it was a relationship that lasted for quite sometime. Now I have to make my choice...

back in each other's arms...?

Are we really back in each other's arms? Or is it the loneliness that's tempting me to go back just so I would have someone I could be with... someone I could call mine? A hand I could hold and someone I could hug whenever I feel sad and alone?

What should I do?

More thinking to come....

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Let the Pain Remain

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:22:31 +0800

Love comes, love goes,
But a sudden feeling never lets me be
Somehow, I know,
Quite a part of me isn’t changed since you’ve been gone
Like a sturdy tree that's seen a thousand seasons
I’ve to shed my leaves in winter
And grow them back in spring
To welcome life again
To welcome you

So goes, my life
Still believe in dreams of having you around
Too bad, memories feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be,
So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day and live as if
I have you once again
What else is there that’s real
But all the pain that I feel,

Chorus:
So let the pain remain
Forever in my heart
For every throb it brings is one more moment
Spent with you,
I'll let the pain, bring on the rain
If that’s the only way
If there’s no other way
To be with you again

Too bad memories, feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be
So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day
And live as if I have you once again
What else is there that’s real
But all the pain that I feel

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Just Updating...

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:37:38 +0800

Haven't posted a blog for the longest time, except the other night, the eve of my monthsary.. There's not much happening in my life. It's been pretty boring actually. Same old issues, same old routine.

Today, I just deleted a post. I just thought it's not right... it's unfair to him. Maybe I was just overwhelmed by the attention Gio gave me... but it's done now. Put my feet back on the ground. It's still "my baby" that I want, I miss and will always love. I know it's harmless going out on group / friendly dates but I still feel like I'm not being honest.

I know I have my friends and I'm contented with them. I don't have to force myself to move on... Only time can tell if we're destined for each other; the same way time can heal the wounds if we're really not meant to be.

Maybe they're right... maybe I just have to give him time to deal with his past. I know there's no use wasting time wondering if he's goin out with other women or not... Coz I trust him enough when he told me he's not gonna do it.

I know he still loves me.. I can feel it. And I believe one day, when he's ready and healed, he'll come back to me. But until that someday comes, I'll patiently wait for him. Coz I know my heart is not capable of loving anyone else, except him.

Enough of my sentiments... Of course I have other activities. One of my bestfriends invited me to try for a commercial shoot. At first I thought I was too old to go back to modeling. I used to be into that when I was in high school 'til college. But now, I feel I'm too old for it. But what the heck.. So I went. And it was a fun experience! I forgot how fun it is meeting other people and becoming instant friends with them because of the bonding while waiting for our take.

I'll be posting some of our pictures. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to say what product it's for.

So there goes my life. I'm trying to move on... somehow I already did. But I know he will always have my heart. I just hope he still feels the same way too. I hope he knows that I'll be waiting for him... and that I'll continue loving him... in silence.

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I'm Still Not Over...

nobody@vox.com(brattinella23) — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:30:52 +0800

Whew! I haven't updated my blog for several days... so many things going on in my life. I still have to wake up early tomorrow morning because I have an early call time for a commercial shoot... but I couldn't help posting what I'm feeling right now...

It's still too early to be drunk. But tonight I came home drunk from a drinking session with one of my favorite cousins. We had a lot of catching up to do.. and a lot of alcohol to drink! LOL

Anyways, we were looking for an occasion to justify our drinking spree... and I came up with one : It's the eve of my monthsary.. me and my love. It's been months now, but I'm still not over him. I may have moved on, with my life, my career, but not with the affairs of my heart.

I still want to celebrate this monthsary; celebrating my love for him. I still do love him. And like what I told him in the sms I sent him, I'd rather wait in vain than be with someone else just for the heck of it.

I'll have to cut this short. I'm really freakin dizzy... Happy monthsary to my love...

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