Brattinella Exposed

hello dear blog... it's been a while since i put my feelings into writing... i've been through a lot of pain... pain i never thought i'd be able to surpass.. i've been down and able to pick myself up again.. to love again.

But why is it that after all the hardships, just when i thought i've already found a better life, someone i could settle down with, ghosts of the past come back? People I thought I have moved on from, but would always treasure the memories. Why is it when the hard reality that they have moved on with their lives hits, all the pain and anguish come rushing back?

Why is it that now I again find myself broken and torn apart when there's practically no reason to?

As I write this blog, I once again find that what I'm feeling is something I cannot share with anyone; 'tis too private, too sacred to share. I'm hurting soo badly it's crushing me.

How can one really say that he/she has completely moved on? I once told myself that I had moved on from the pain he caused, but now, everything crumbled down right before my eyes and I find myself lost, in pain, confused, trying to pick up the pieces but don't know where to start.

Why is it after all these time I still feel the pain? EVEN NOW I still feel and remember the pain; so fresh, so real, it makes me want to close out myself once again from everyone.

Here I am
Alone and I don't understand
Exactly how it all began
The dream just walked away

This is one stanza from the song " I Don't Want You To Go" by Lani Hall. Lately I find myself relating to this song. I don't understand how this could be happening. Why, despite all the assurances he did, am still feeling like we're drifting apart. I can't begin to explain how painful it is on my part, that I can't even make him understand why am I feeling this way. We've already talked and argued countless times about this but each time that we do, it's like nothing is being fixed; the issue still hangs like a dark cloud over the relationship.

Now as I sit here in front of my computer, I wonder, is this what you call "falling out"? If so, then why do we both claim to still love each other the way we always did?

We have been through worst times and we always made it through... which, thinking back now, did we really make it through? Or did we just turn our backs on those issues and went on with our lives as if nothing happened? Pretending and lying even to ourselves that everything is ok?

I can't even begin telling  my friends and start confiding in them about what I'm going through now... it's just me and my blog... where I can freely write what I think and feel...  and right now, I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of the puzzle...

For all those suffering in silence...

The pain is deep,
No blood,
No tears,
Where it hurts is deep inside,

Silent tears stream down my face,
With each tear the pain only grows deeper,
Down, down, down,
They just keep falling down,

My future is cloudy,
My past so happy,
At this fork in the road,
I don't know what direction to take,

Silent tears stream down my face,
I squeeze my eyes shut tight,
Hoping they will go away,
But it only makes more spill out,

I hope to fall asleep,
Then morning comes,
They're still there,
Accompanied by the pain,

Silent tears stream down my face,
I reluctantly go on with life,
But not a soul ever notices,
For my tears are so silent.

---kuya istian---
xtian0000.multiply.com

You know that feeling where you feel like you've been cheated? Like you've laid down all your cards only to find out in the end that the person you've trusted so much was just hiding behind a mask?

Of lies, and love... of truth, and relationships...

It sucks big time to feel like you've learned from your past mistakes, move on,eventually fall in love again... and find out that you've fallen again into that very familiar pit of a failed relationship.

As I write this blog, I feel so tired and beat up. As I look back to the memories, I laugh at the good ones, and feel that very familiar stabbing pain when I remember the bad ones... and that pain won't go away anymore specially in knowing that I've given it my all, my best, sometimes even more than what I can all for the sake of my loved one; for a lasting relationship.

Why can't I seem to get it all right? I've always believed that everyone has their own destined partner... but I'm beginning to lose hope that someone out there is destined for me. It's like I always fall for the wrong person... but right now I'm having a hard time to sort out my feelings because once again, I'm facing that dilemma of not knowing if I really love that person and can't live without him... or worse, I'm just scared to be alone.

How do you finally draw the line? How do you determine if you really love someone and can't live without him? Or maybe the right question is: How can you tell if that person really and truly loves you? That he is worth fighting for?

Sitting here in front of my computer, trying to sort out my thoughts, one question comes into mind...
IS IT REALLY LOVE?

...more thoughts to come...

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be if he had loved me
Truly loved me, yes
I learned a while ago, that kind of thing, it never happens for me
And so I go around and just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let ‘em see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord know its killing me

[Chorus:]
So I put on my makeup
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is ok
I’m laughing ‘cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
‘Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face
Singing la la la (la la, la la)
la la, ( la la, la la, la la)
la la (la la)
Ooooh (la la la laahh)
Laaaah

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone hoping he might call me (call me)
But he don't call me (call me, call me, call me)
But then I realize dreams come true
Aren't for girls like me, not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends
I’m into other things
‘Cause you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows its killing me

[Chorus:]
And so I put on my makeup (put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (oooh yeah)
Everything is ok (oh I’m laughing)
I’m laughing ‘cause no one (no one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face (oooh)

It’s not an easy (thing to do)
Sometimes it’s hard to (face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me (no)
If he don't want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go (gooooo)

[Chorus:]
So I put on my makeup
Put a smile on my face (I put a smile on my face)
And if anyone ask me
Everything is ok
I’m laughing ‘cause no one (no one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
‘Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face
Singing, la la la (la la, la la)
la la, ( la la, la la, la la)
la la (la la, la la, la la la la laaa)
I’ll keep on singing la la
Lalalala……

In less than a week we'll be celebrating our 3rd monthsary... Wow! How fast time flies....

But looking back, it seems we've been through a lot as well... we just faced a trial that threatened to break up the relationship. Good thing that neither wants to part ways.

A few weeks ago, the so-called "ghosts of the past" haunted our relationship... ex-gf/bf's presence haunting our happy and peaceful relationship. Alas! before we knew it, our relationship was almost falling apart; each argument turned into a fight, each fight worse than the other. I'm really happy we were able to come out of it stronger than ever. And I really do hope and pray that it would be the last.

Relationships have their own share of flowers and thorns... Not everything will always be about hearts and flowers and the mushy stuff. You'll definitely have your own share of thorns and it just a matter of how you'll protect the realationship.

I had my own share of breakups and moments of finding myself feeling so alone. Now that I think I found "mr. right", I won't let my stubbornness get in the way.. there's no way of me letting him go just because of stupid things...

'Til death do us part, my love.

Our first monthsary passed and thank God! We're stronger than ever! lolz.

Too bad I don't have pictures to share because I had an accident that day and we had to celebrate our monthsary at the hospital! hahahaha

That definitely was a memorable one... not because of the accident.. but it's when I saw how he never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital... how he tool care of me... whatever doubts I had that time vanished... and there was that particular look in his eye that told me how much he loves me.

We've taken the next step in our relationship...after our monthsary, we decided to get our own place... others may think it's too early, still premature... but for us, we believe we've been through enough and we're confident that from today, forever begins... and we intend to keep our promise of forever...

I'm so happy now and content, I couldn't ask for more... but hey, one wish won't hurt I guess... it's a wish that we stay this way, inlove and happy forever... I know that after the storm, I already found my rainbow... my light at the end of the dark tunnel...

I have my past to thank for all the lessons I've learned, for everything that I went through. I don't regret a single thing. Because if noy for those, destiny won't lead me to him... my love, my life, my forever.

Before I start my post, lemme just share another poem that I made for the love of my life...

i love you and i will never stop loving you every single day of my life
i'd be the happiest woman on the day you make me your wife;
and when the time comes when we're both old and gray,
i promise not to let go holding your hand until my last day.

This poem expresses exactly how I feel...
This is me now... happy and so inlove...

happily inlove

No words can explain how happy I am now. I don't know how to say this without sounding bitter, but, I have my ex to thank for letting me go... for letting me go through what I did; because now I'm stronger, equipped with the lessons I've learned, I can be a better partner to my babyhunk..=)

I really wish that this time I got it right... because I can't imagine myself spending the rest of my life without him... without my better half.

Here's another post from the same forum, sulit.com.ph... a guide to a lasting relationship.... thanks, tet for a wonderful post.... allow me to repost it and share it here...

The Perfect Boyfriend

Gives me a big tshirt of his to sleep in.
Leaves me cute text messages.
Kisses me in front of his friends.
Tells me I look beautiful.
Looks into my eyes when he talks to me.
Lets me mess with his hair.
Just walks around with me.
Forgives me for my mistakes.
Looks at me like I'm the only girl he sees.
Holds my hand when he's around his friends and in private.
Lets me fall asleep in his arms.
Stays up all night with me when I'm sick.
Watches my favorite movie with me.
Comes up and grabs me by the waist.
Doesn't talk about other girls around me. [Because if he loves me, no one else should matter]
Hangs out with me when I'm sad.
Lets me know I'm important.
Kisses me in the pouring rain.
Tells me when he falls in love with me.
Loves me like he's never loved anyone before.
Answers my phone calls no matter what.

I am reposting this from a forum site that I participate in... I just found it inspiring... it's like a guide to a lasting relationship and I wanted to share it with you...

When she walks away from you mad...Follow her!

When she stare's at your mouth...Kiss her!

When she pushes you or hit's you...Grab her and dont let go!

When she start's yelling at you...Kiss her and tell her you love her!

When she's quiet...Ask her what's wrong!

When she ignore's you...Give her your attention!

When she pull's away...Pull her back!

When you see her at her worst...Tell her she's beautiful!

When you see her start crying...Just hold her and don't say a word!

When you see her walking...Sneak up and hug her waist from behind!

When she's scared...Protect her!

When she lay's her head on your shoulder...Tilt her head up and kiss her!

When she steal's your favorite hat...Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night!

When she tease's you...Tease her back and make her laugh!

When she doesn't answer for a long time...Reassure her that everything is OK!

When she looks at you with doubt...Back yourself up with the TRUTH!

When she say's that she like's you...She really does more than you could understand!

When she grabs your hands...Hold her's and play with her fingers!

When she bump's into you...Bump into her back and make her laugh!

When she tell's you a secret...Keep it safe and untold!

When she looks at you in your eyes...Don't look away until she does!

WHEN SHE MISSES YOU...SHE'S HURTING INSIDE!

When she posts this...She wants you to read it and take it to heart!

If you REALLY love her...

Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.
When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.
When she says she's OK don't believe it, talk with her - because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
Tease her and let her tease you back.
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
Give her the world.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she's important.
Kiss her in the pouring rain.
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; Who's butt am I kicking today baby?